Parenting practice

By Kanzan Cawthorn Oshō

The repentance verse is a powerful part of Buddhist practice, acknowledging the root of our karmic conditioning and coming to terms with our self. “All the karma ever created by me, since of old, through greed, anger and delusion, I now fully avow”. I have noticed that the repentance verse is not necessary for babies, but very good for parents. Babies are pure, whereas parents play a major role in conditioning babies.

When I was a 19, and beginning a journey along the Zen path, I was drawn to images and fantasies of a simple life, lived in relative solitude, perhaps in the mountains, a little hut by a lake or a river. I assumed that this was consistent with the Buddha Way as practiced in the Zen tradition. Along the way, thanks to skilled teachers, I swiftly dropped this fantasy without struggle, apart from a few traces which persist until today. Life for an Unsui living in a monastery is very removed from a life of solitude, it is not about what I want, but about killing your conditioned self. The Shu Ryo is a power house of dropping self; the way you want things doesn’t matter, as you are contained within your one to two tatami mats of space, living cheek by jowl with your fellow practitioners.

When I was younger I assumed that I would not have children or a long-term partner, as I wanted to focus on Zen practice, and did not know if I could balance both. It is partly due to monastic training, and dropping the fantasy of the hut in the mountains that I developed the capacity to think that I could perhaps balance both; I began to warm to the idea. I am not convinced that living a family life is conducive to Buddhist practice as an ordained person, there is a reason that Shakyamuni Buddha left home, but on the other hand, Shakyamuni Buddha ended up surrounded by family as he turned his life to spreading Dharma. I often wonder about this.

My partner Laura and I had a baby girl in Australia on the 23rd of April 2020. Her name is Zahra. She is very cute and a joy to be around. I am a novice parent, but a baby makes a parent learn very quick. I have found juggling looking after a baby plus regular travel for work in Central Australia (where I work in remote Aboriginal communities as an Anthropologist), is not so much about my own practice, as there is limited time for regular Zazen, but about cultivating a keen observation and quick response to Zahra's needs, and to try to apply this mind to all other phenomenon, even when in a state of sleep deprivation which caring for a new born can induce in parents.

There is nothing more fragile and pure than a new born baby with their squinty eyes, clenched hands, and quivering limbs, a being beyond greed, anger and delusion. The baby is pure and the only way to respond as a parent is in a selfless way. This sounds a bit fancy but it roughly translates into sleepless nights, making sure babies fragile body stays safe, being elbow deep in nappies, and eventually cleaning food off every surface (including one’s own face) within 1.5 metres meters of the high chair. The baby demands an instant response without consideration of your own personal conditions.

Living day by day with a baby is a clear lesson in impermanence. Zahra is constantly changing, moving through a prescribed series of developments, but completely in her own way. I noticed that when Zahra started to crawl, she also began to develop a sense of self and other. She started to learn about objects and people, develop coordination, and experience how her body interacts with people and objects; pulling noses, gauging eyes, rolling balls, mimicking expressions and sounds, laughing a lot, and sometimes being shy. Not long before this, she realized that she was a different entity to her mother, and would scream every time Laura walked passed. Now she is starting to understand sequences of actions, and how these sequences are strung together into more complicated and repeatable actions. She looks forward to going on the swing in the park, and to having an evening bath.

I imagine that this is the stage in which babies begin their long path towards being socialised and conditioned; developing likes and dislikes. Soon they may need to repent and say, ‘I am sorry’. This is an important part of the practice of parenting; how to extend as much purity of heart towards the baby so that she progresses through the natural stages of development in a supported environment. A parent can’t shield a baby from becoming ‘human’ and encountering suffering, or you end up with an adult baby! Probably not an ideal situation. But a parent can create a supportive environment, and wish the best for their child.

There appear to be three inter-related aspects of the practice of a parent. Bringing a purity of mind to your baby, - Dōgen Zenji’s ‘Parental Mind’; cultivating the attitude of practice as instant activity, and awareness of conditions to understand what is appropriate for a baby. Zen practitioners are familiar with, and Buddhist practice cultivates these aspects of practice. When you hear the morning bell, you get up and wash your face; when you hear the baby cry you get up and check on the baby. Your own condition does not matter, what matters is responding to a sign, understanding what the sign is and engaging in an appropriate way, bringing a pure mind to the engagement.

I think that Zen practitioners know quite well the spirit of parenting and practice, and are in fact doing it, whether they are parents or not. Of course, you can’t experience having a baby unless you have one, and there is a great joy in it, but Buddhist practitioners know the mind of a parent.

In Tenzo Kyōkun, Dōgen Zenji describes the three minds a Zen practitioner cultivates, specifically in relation to the practice of the Tenzo who engages in very active and relational function of the Zen monastery: joyful mind, parental mind, and magnanimous mind. Joyful mind describes appreciation for the things as they are, and our birth in the human realm. It allows us to appreciate that we can arouse the thought of enlightenment and make offerings to the Three Jewels. Parental mind explains a selfless caring without consideration for causes and conditions; no matter what the situation you engage with the thing, person, mental formation at hand “sustain the caring and warmth of child-rearing”. Magnanimous mind is beyond preferences in terms of light/dark, big/small. It is “like a great expanse of ocean or a towering mountain. It views everything from the most inclusive and broadest perspective.”